I can’t remember the first time I took lithium. I know that I didn’t put up a fight. I could barely lift my head, let alone protest. My ability to think and feel was depleted by mania and depression. Therefore, I did not choose to be on lithium. I was fortunate to have my family by my side to listen and understand the risks and benefits. They made the best decision they could with the resources they had on my behalf. Choice was not an option for me.
However, I definitely resented them later for it. I felt betrayed and hurt. The message I had always received from my family was, “We love you for who you are, no matter what you do.” Being put on medication by them for my behavior caused me to feel like who I am was not loveable or good enough. I had feelings of mistrust and doubted that they could be there for me.
I dealt with those feelings by creating distance in my relationships with them and showing them that I don’t trust them. I was manipulative to get what I needed. Responding with anger when I didn’t receive it. I didn’t share with them how I felt until several years later.
Learning how to live with Bipolar Disorder was an ongoing challenge for me, but being on lithium wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. When I took my little pink pills I didn’t feel like a different person.
For the first ten years, my psychiatrist kept me on a low enough dosage slightly outside of the therapeutic range. This gave me the opportunity to feel like myself. Feel all the things that were normal to me.
I always had a smile on my face, regardless of what I was feeling. In fact, I wasn't fully aware of the smile on my face. I didn't feel happy all the time, I simply looked it. I lit up the room with my exuberance which often made people uncomfortable. I took social risks that resulted in judgment and rejection from others. Things came out of my mouth way before I could think about them or decide what I wanted to say. I’d repeat myself three times in different ways whenever I had something to say. It was hard for me to cry and actually feel my feelings in my body. I didn’t know that I think too much, but everyone else reminded me.
For ten years, I tried so hard to grow in as many ways that I could. But these were things that weren’t changing for me. So I would get hurt easily as people criticized things I couldn’t change.
I accepted that this was who I am. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t be anything different. I’d never tell people this. I’d guard myself, come up with brilliant reasons for the usefulness of my behavior, and force people to accept me if they want me in their lives.
One minor hypomanic episode led to a decision I made with my psychiatrist that changed how I experience myself and what's possible. We decided that it would be in my best interests to increase my lithium and be on the low end of the therapeutic range.
After a period of being on a higher dosage of lithium I noticed stability in a way that I haven’t had before. I was always stable in my slightly manic ways which is what I believed stability to be. However that has all changed. I'm experiencing a word called "centered". I'm not quite sure what that word means for me yet (give me ten years).
Initially being on a higher dosage was a difficult experience and I wondered what's wrong with me. My energy was different and I wasn't the smiley exuberant girl. I could feel the absence of the way I experienced passion (versus the passion itself) which was part of my identity. This was a loss that I had to mourn.
Then I realized that I could actually feel my feelings in my body. Passion began to have a new meaning for me. I can't verbalize yet what it is, but I know I did not lose my passion. I can cry and I'm loving it. Happiness feels amazing and so does sadness. I am still amazed by the ability to feel one feeling at a time with my whole body, instead of feeling nothing because I'd feel everything at once.
People respond to me differently. They're not as easily overwhelmed by me. My energy doesn't swallow them. My thoughts don't go over their heads as much. I don't feel as isolated in the world as I once did. I do miss my energy and the way it felt to consistently light up a room. However, what I'm experiencing now seems to be worth it (ask me in ten years).
My thought process, which I never believed would change, has changed. Instead of moving in several different directions, my thoughts are channeled. They work together towards a goal. Thoughts no longer moved as fast as they used to. I notice that I'm not interrupting people as much as I used to. I notice that I'm experiencing more frequently what people call "peace of mind". This used to be as frequent as a holiday for me, now it can be as frequent as a weekend.
I realize that had I gone from an active bipolar experience to where I’m at right now, I would have never complied with the medication. I wasn’t ready for the change when I was diagnosed. I needed ten years to reach a point where I was ready to be where I am right now.
My Experience with Lithium’s Side Effects
The hardest part about lithium for me is its side effects.
The first thing I noticed is dandruff when I had never had dandruff before. Then I got these small lesions all over my body that turned out to be psoriasis. When I told my psychiatrist about it, he said it must be in my genes. But no one in my family or my ancestors had psoriasis. We now know that lithium can cause and/or exacerbate psoriasis.
Lithium unfortunately helped my body gain weight and my body didn’t let it go for seven years. I do wonder if that’s how long it took for my body to adjust to the impact of lithium. However, I experienced tremendous rapid weight loss when I increased my lithium, which my psychiatrist says is common. The weight loss took the form of appetite change which was not permanent.
My hands shake, especially when I’m nervous. So when I do public speaking I always have to joke about my hands.
With an increased level of lithium I have noticed an increase in hair loss which I have remedied with vitamins.
I must share that with all its side effects and risks, I wouldn’t choose to be on any other medication than lithium.
